How To Get Hold of Yourself - And Recondition your Mind (Through my Experience)

There is longing, a yearning in my heart.
I reach for you. I know you are reaching for me.
But I cannot reach you. Something is keeping us apart.
What is that?
I feel like there is a vacuum in my heart.
I am living but I don’t really feel alive.
How can I feel alive without that?
How can I reach you without that?
How can you reach me without that?
We are apart? But we don’t know.
What’s really keeping us apart?
Only lately I found out that I don’t have it.
I used to have it.
And I lost it.
I did not know I lost it.
But I know all the time that something is missing.
There is no life in my life.
I feel dead. At all cost.
I must get it back again.
Without it life is not worth living.
How foolish I was to neglect that and
Turn all my body and mind
Toward such superficial things.
Now my heart is crying.
What a lie I’ve lived.
What a waste it would be to live all my life like this.
How meaningless!
Can I overcome my wrong conditioning?
Have I enough courage to overcome this lie?
Can I live a healthy, meaningful life?
Am I healthy enough to become really healthy again?
To become a really whole and complete human being again? 
(Sayadaw U Jotika)

When i read the above excerpt over and over again. It makes more and more sense to me. I can connect to it so much that it feels as if I had written this during a time that I cannot recall. But, since this is not mine to own, I feel humbled with the fact that no matter how much we constantly tell ourselves that we are alone. It is not true and it will never be. 

When I was an infant, I used to cry for food, milk, care, affection, and attention. After my needs were fulfilled, I was left feeling satisfied, complete, happy and content until the need reappeared. When the need reappeared, the cycle of fulfillment revived itself. This constant fulfillment of needs, filling of an empty container and fixing the gaps, has made me associate the good with the bad. While it has taught me that good always follows bad and vice versa, it has also conditioned me into believing that needs are to be 'met'. Any need that is not met is a travesty in itself and a harsh thing to face - the end of Life. 

This constant conditioning process has made me weak, fragile, jealous, envious and needy. It has hindered me from the unconditional joys of Life. The Joys of Giving, Loving Kindness, Acceptance...

When from infanthood, I arrived at a time where I was responsible for my own Life and for when I had a choice to be independent, mature and whole. I chose the alternative. I continued with my habitual gratification patterns and caused suffering to myself and those around me. I treated people the way I looked at myself - unworthy, useless, selfish and foolish. 

There came a boiling point, the moment I fell to the ground, as If my entire world had come to a crumbling halt. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pacing, my eyes were drying out and my mind was exploding, I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. But, I also didn't know what to do about it. So, I made a decision. 

I decided that I wanted to live my Life my way. 

After having made that decision, I felt an inner strength I had not known. I thought and felt so much closer to my ideal self. I picked up my crumbling self and gave it the push it desperately needed. For that milli second, I felt as if my Life could not have been more perfect.

Then, I took one day at a time, started my meditation practice, listened to my heart more often and paid attention to people and things that mattered. I felt more confident, and whole. But, my problems ensued. 

I was still arguing at home, not meeting deadlines at work, giving excuses, making myself ill, afraid to look at myself in the mirror, and scared of all. 

I was in a jeopardy. 

I could not figure where I went wrong in my understanding. Began the whole reasoning process with myself all over again. Confused myself to the point that I started questioning what my beliefs were anymore. I was dazed, dependent, emotional and a wreck to say the least. The inner turmoil was building inside of me, and I was dreading the day it would erupt and cause harm all over. 

I started taking comfort in little things - good food, my lovely cat, little outings with family, conversations with my loved ones. They made me happy, and at ease. But, deep inside, I knew that I hadn't solved my root problem. The problem that could potentially ruin the quality of my life. 

I concluded relationships that I knew were no longer nourishing me, had fewer friends, spoke far lesser, and often got lost into my own world. I threw my ego, made sincere apologies for causing harm, created a conviction within myself to discipline my mind, my body, my actions and to work harder and keep my mind oiled and well exercised.

Picture Courtesy: www.hi-wallpapers.com

It was very hard in the beginning. Often, I found myself jerking my hands in the air and giving up all my efforts. But, when I found myself lying still on my cot at night. I knew that something in what I was doing was not right. My laziness, emotional eruptions  were doing more harm to me, than being of any service. 

But, there came a day. When I found myself completely alone. I had already made baby steps towards my goals, sturdily took up meditation, reflected upon my inner self. But, now was the time, that time itself will prove how much I truly love myself. 

It is true that only in absence, do you see the importance, presence and value of things. 

It is truer that only when you love yourself, are you capable of loving another being. So, my time is now and I am going to fervently practice loving myself, accepting myself in spite of all my limitations and upgrading myself where it is called for. 

Before I conclude, I want to add, that I do not hold anybody accountable for any of my experiences. You are all my friends in this lovely universe. My experiences, are no different from what everybody faces. I am grateful towards all the people who have been sincere, and spoken the truth to me. Having a true friend, is rarest of all. 

There are plenty of rubies around you, the ones you can see and distinguish clearly. But, a diamond is hard to see. It is colorless,  and transparent. Just like a true friend is. And, it has the best sparkle of all. 

Two rowdies jam vehicle into a Dog, the dog can now only walk on threes.

I am boiling with rage right now. I was standing on my balcony with my cat and I saw two rowdies jam their vehicle carelessly into a dog. The dog screamed and has been wailing since. The two rowdies, without any trace of guilt take off after examining for any dents on the vehicle. I have been witnessing this far too much and it's going out of control. There are far too many rowdies near where I stay. There's a local area called 'Gurupanapalya' right from where my lane starts. I have had enough from observing reckless behavior by both the residents and their rowdy children. Unless they are punished, they will never realize when they do anything wrong. This is wrong. It is unfair for the dog. It is unfair for it's rights to a healthy life. It is unfair in every way. Only, I can't understand why so few people see how bad it is. My mom thought I was creating a ruckus for nothing as I was walking to and fro inside the house hurling insults at those two rowdies. It is overwhelming how much they need to be punished for being careless. You may say, it was probably an accident. NOBODY is allowed to ride their vehicles so fast in a residential area.

I am going to research in every possible way, a solution to this menace. Dogs in the residence, minding their own business and fending for themselves, defending themselves from harm. They were never a menace, this is the truth. The actual menace are rowdies and they deserve punishments so harsh, they'll forget their bad ways for good or at least feel half the pain they have caused others.

Wishlist: Dream Catchers

An object that has been passed on from the Red Indians to the present day. Dream Catchers are usually hung above the bed as they are believed to possess qualities that ward off negative energy while sleeping and also keep bad dreams and nightmares at bay. Whether that is true or not, I find them gorgeous looking. :)

Here's what I REALLY want to own:

Dream catcher inspired jewelry. Wow. :)

Just hoping those are not real bird feathers.

I'm personally a fan of metallic jewelry, but this beaded piece is worth having!

ONE THING - Very Versatile

White and Gold always blends like heaven.

So does Black and Gold :)

Butterfly, fly away

When I was a kid, I was living pretty much inside a cocoon. My parents were always a few yards close by me and the watchful eyes never left me. But, I absolutely hated it. Vengeful, I would ride my bicycle and go far, far away to places I hadn't been to. I was always a brave kid, they had to see it.

What I didn't realize, to my parents, I was always their little one. So much that I needed to hide my bruises when I fell down without their notice while I was up to one of my notorious stunts.

Mom, Can I have those?

Maybe when you're older.

Mom, Can I go?

No.

Mom, Can I have some more pocket money today?

Why?

As I recollect these memories, I kind of miss them not being told now. I guess I am finally a butterfly out of her cocoon. :)

When Warm - ups aren't any good

There are trillions of factors that have been affecting our Planet Earth's climate. One cannot undermine the external factors (the factors that are not biological, naturally occurring) and their impact on our climate. There's a whole load of human activity that is increasing the level of greenhouse gases, these emissions have continued for years and years together and for as long as they do continue, so will warming of Earth.

The intensity and speed with which technology is advancing these days is scary, if not shocking. If only these advances were applied to more useful purposes, such as reducing greenhouse gas emissions, reducing dependency on fossils and natural reserves. We could all just be Earth's greatest protectors like Spock or Kirk.

Coming down to reality. Recently, Tim Yeo, Chairman of Commons Energy and Climate Change Committee cited his belief that humans may not be the ones to blame for Global Warming, and that it's down to natural forces. Really?

Let's bring in the theory of Catalysis here. It's scientific, biological, psychological and chemical to believe that everything on this planet is a result of some occurrence. Nothing was magically created out of nothing. This is to say that, everything was caused and catalyzed by events. So, to say that humans are not responsible for Global Warming or Climatic change is either a reflection of:

a) The realization that nothing can be done after the damage has been done.

or

b) To bring in a sense of relief among masses and then suddenly go, 'Hey, an asteroid is headed towards our planet. What a surprise!'

The latest news around has also been that the density of coral cover has significantly declined since 1998. Now with the intense climatic changes, what once occupied 25% of marine biodiversity will dwindle catastrophically. Does that sound good? Not if you know that the entire range of organisms living under waters depend on the coral reef for their survival. 

Well, there is no possible end to this line of thought. O.o