How To Get Hold of Yourself - And Recondition your Mind (Through my Experience)

There is longing, a yearning in my heart.
I reach for you. I know you are reaching for me.
But I cannot reach you. Something is keeping us apart.
What is that?
I feel like there is a vacuum in my heart.
I am living but I don’t really feel alive.
How can I feel alive without that?
How can I reach you without that?
How can you reach me without that?
We are apart? But we don’t know.
What’s really keeping us apart?
Only lately I found out that I don’t have it.
I used to have it.
And I lost it.
I did not know I lost it.
But I know all the time that something is missing.
There is no life in my life.
I feel dead. At all cost.
I must get it back again.
Without it life is not worth living.
How foolish I was to neglect that and
Turn all my body and mind
Toward such superficial things.
Now my heart is crying.
What a lie I’ve lived.
What a waste it would be to live all my life like this.
How meaningless!
Can I overcome my wrong conditioning?
Have I enough courage to overcome this lie?
Can I live a healthy, meaningful life?
Am I healthy enough to become really healthy again?
To become a really whole and complete human being again? 
(Sayadaw U Jotika)

When i read the above excerpt over and over again. It makes more and more sense to me. I can connect to it so much that it feels as if I had written this during a time that I cannot recall. But, since this is not mine to own, I feel humbled with the fact that no matter how much we constantly tell ourselves that we are alone. It is not true and it will never be. 

When I was an infant, I used to cry for food, milk, care, affection, and attention. After my needs were fulfilled, I was left feeling satisfied, complete, happy and content until the need reappeared. When the need reappeared, the cycle of fulfillment revived itself. This constant fulfillment of needs, filling of an empty container and fixing the gaps, has made me associate the good with the bad. While it has taught me that good always follows bad and vice versa, it has also conditioned me into believing that needs are to be 'met'. Any need that is not met is a travesty in itself and a harsh thing to face - the end of Life. 

This constant conditioning process has made me weak, fragile, jealous, envious and needy. It has hindered me from the unconditional joys of Life. The Joys of Giving, Loving Kindness, Acceptance...

When from infanthood, I arrived at a time where I was responsible for my own Life and for when I had a choice to be independent, mature and whole. I chose the alternative. I continued with my habitual gratification patterns and caused suffering to myself and those around me. I treated people the way I looked at myself - unworthy, useless, selfish and foolish. 

There came a boiling point, the moment I fell to the ground, as If my entire world had come to a crumbling halt. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pacing, my eyes were drying out and my mind was exploding, I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. But, I also didn't know what to do about it. So, I made a decision. 

I decided that I wanted to live my Life my way. 

After having made that decision, I felt an inner strength I had not known. I thought and felt so much closer to my ideal self. I picked up my crumbling self and gave it the push it desperately needed. For that milli second, I felt as if my Life could not have been more perfect.

Then, I took one day at a time, started my meditation practice, listened to my heart more often and paid attention to people and things that mattered. I felt more confident, and whole. But, my problems ensued. 

I was still arguing at home, not meeting deadlines at work, giving excuses, making myself ill, afraid to look at myself in the mirror, and scared of all. 

I was in a jeopardy. 

I could not figure where I went wrong in my understanding. Began the whole reasoning process with myself all over again. Confused myself to the point that I started questioning what my beliefs were anymore. I was dazed, dependent, emotional and a wreck to say the least. The inner turmoil was building inside of me, and I was dreading the day it would erupt and cause harm all over. 

I started taking comfort in little things - good food, my lovely cat, little outings with family, conversations with my loved ones. They made me happy, and at ease. But, deep inside, I knew that I hadn't solved my root problem. The problem that could potentially ruin the quality of my life. 

I concluded relationships that I knew were no longer nourishing me, had fewer friends, spoke far lesser, and often got lost into my own world. I threw my ego, made sincere apologies for causing harm, created a conviction within myself to discipline my mind, my body, my actions and to work harder and keep my mind oiled and well exercised.

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It was very hard in the beginning. Often, I found myself jerking my hands in the air and giving up all my efforts. But, when I found myself lying still on my cot at night. I knew that something in what I was doing was not right. My laziness, emotional eruptions  were doing more harm to me, than being of any service. 

But, there came a day. When I found myself completely alone. I had already made baby steps towards my goals, sturdily took up meditation, reflected upon my inner self. But, now was the time, that time itself will prove how much I truly love myself. 

It is true that only in absence, do you see the importance, presence and value of things. 

It is truer that only when you love yourself, are you capable of loving another being. So, my time is now and I am going to fervently practice loving myself, accepting myself in spite of all my limitations and upgrading myself where it is called for. 

Before I conclude, I want to add, that I do not hold anybody accountable for any of my experiences. You are all my friends in this lovely universe. My experiences, are no different from what everybody faces. I am grateful towards all the people who have been sincere, and spoken the truth to me. Having a true friend, is rarest of all. 

There are plenty of rubies around you, the ones you can see and distinguish clearly. But, a diamond is hard to see. It is colorless,  and transparent. Just like a true friend is. And, it has the best sparkle of all.